Reinventing Myself aka My New Normal

This post was originally drafted about a year ago. But before I was able to finish it, I became unable to access my blog any more. I am so grateful that I can now do this, and rather than delete this post, I thought I would publish it anyway. I need these reminders.

June 19th, 2016 changed my life forever. I have had many life-changing things happen over the course of 50 years; a brother passed away when I was 13, we lost my nephew when I was 17, both grandparents are gone, both my parents are gone, my marriage, the births of my children, a car accident that left me in a hospital bed in my home for 2 months, etc...But this one tops them all.

Our sweet special needs boy passed from this earthly life to continue his mission in the next life. He was my life! My whole world revolved around him. I mean that in every sense of the phrase. I have previously told the story of how he came to our home. Over the years I have experienced anger at the birth mother for making the choices she did that caused him to have these earthly challenges, but then I would realize, we wouldn't have him if that hadn't happened.

Because of the Fetal Drug Syndrome Disorder, the Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Disorder, Epilepsy, and the Autism, Jud required a lot of work. He tried his best in EVERYTHING he did! But he was also very impulsive, delayed, and quick! I would turn my head for a minute & he would either disappear or be into something, creating messes. But he was my life!

On June 18th, twenty minutes after John & I returned home from a 3-day trip, Jud went into a seizure. It was the worst one I had ever seen him have. The paramedics could not stop it so they loaded him into the ambulance and took him to the hospital. John & I followed behind. At the ER, it still took them forever to get it stopped. Total seizing time was over an hour! That is hard for a parent to watch. They got the seizure stopped, but could not get his oxygen sats up. Then his heart stopped! After about 2 minutes of CPR (PCR as Jud use to like to call it when we were playing), they got it going again, but the decision was made to fly him directly to Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake. Long story short, and LONG 3 hour drive later, we, his parents, had to make the decision to end his suffering. He had been oxygen-deprived for over 7 hours, his heart had stopped 5 times, and was getting weaker every time they restarted it. How do you make that call to shut off the machines and let your sweet child's heart stop on it's own?

The last two months have been HARD! I know it is just the beginning. I walk thru the house & every moment has a memory.
I do not have to walk around legos scattered all over the living room floor anymore, or worry I might vacuum up an 'important' piece.
I will never again hear, 'Mom, I'm going to Larry's' anymore, or watch him stand at the end of the driveway hollering, 'Larry!' waiting to go over to 'work.'
I have gone from running the dishwasher an average of twice a day to maybe, 3 times a week.
Laundry??? Well...let's just say I do that once a week, maybe, whether we need to or not. I think I was probably doing 6-8 loads a week before.
No more running to Camp Hippo twice a week, and to Disability Services twice a week. My gas bill for my car has reduced drastically!
Each time I go to town I do not hear, 'Can we get a snow cone?' or, 'Can I get a treat or a prize at the store?'
My grocery bill? Forget about it! From 3 dozen eggs a week to none. From 2-3 gallons of milk a week to 1. We've had 5+ bags of chips sitting up in our pantry for 2 months now. They would have been gone in 5 days!
The tv is not on all day long.
I do not get snuggles at night when it's bedtime. And no more stories to read.
My lawn does not get mowed 5 times a week. (the neighborhood is strangely quiet. I think the girls next door need to step it up!)
No more playing in the mud & hosing off. Or jumping on the trampoline with the sprinkler under it.
I watch his puppy growing and think of how much he would have loved him. They would have been inseperable!
No more cleaning and finding old food or wrappers stuffed behind furniture or in cracks. (I looked up on the wall and found some gum stuck to the picture up there. Then when I finally had the emotions in check enough to take it down, I found another big wad just behind the picture)
And speaking of gum...We've had 6 packets of gum sitting up in the cupboard for 2 months now. That would have been gone in a matter of days.
I don't have to hide the sharpie markers any more.
We don't go thru reams of paper like crazy.
My table now has sewing stuff all over it instead of art supplies.
It is very lonely driving to church by myself. I use to long for the day when sunday mornings were peaceful and sitting thru church was not a challenge. Now I long for the way it was.
No more will I hear:
'I love you Mommy!'
'Can we snuggle?'
'Can we go some-else?' (somewhere else)
'When will I be done with Camp Hippo?'
'When is my HI worker coming?'
'Can I go swimming?'
'I'm hungry!' (ten minutes after eating!)
'Where's my silkie?'
'When can I get a dog?'
'Thank you for my dog!'
'Can I go to Larry's?'
'When is scouts?'
'Can I watch a movie?'
'When are we going camping?'
'When are we going to Brittany's?'
and so many many more!

And do you know what? This is the first year in 22 years that I have not had to register for school!

My days are very quiet. Even with all that needs to be done around the house, it is hard to find motivation to do it somedays. I am learning.
I will be working more.
I am retraining my mind to not be on high alert all the time.
It will be weird not walking out to the bus every morning, and watching for it every afternoon. I would always think that we needed to get another tree planted out at the end of the driveway to block the wind while we waited for the bus, in anticipation of when the other one finally fell down. Now we don't have to. At least for that reason.

Thank you to a wonderful friend, who managed to access my blog for me that I haven't been able to do for over a year. I am so grateful!
I stated this in my profile, but I am going to restate it here. Right now I am using my blog to record thoughts & feelings I have from events that have shaped my life over the past year and nearly a half. For me, I do not believe in posting things like this on Facebook because I do not want it to appear I am looking for attention. What has happened has happened and I am just trying to deal with it day by day, but do not want to appear that I have not 'gotten over it', or am looking for sympathy or attention. That, I am not! I just need an outlet.
So.....with that being said, you do not have to read the posts, or follow me at all! You can if you'd like. This is just for me, right now.